Intergalactic House of Paisley

Happy Shane MacGowan's Birthday!

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:45:48 GMT

What, you're celebrating something else? Whyever would you do that?

Rohanna was kind enough to test the roads for us this morning. She left around 6a to join her family. I had just gone back to sleep when her phone went off. By the time I found it, it had stopped ringing, but I was able to see it was her daughter calling. As I sat on the bed with the phone, Ro herself walked in, having made it around the block and, noticing she had forgotten her phone, tried to come back and wound up leaving the van at the foot of the drive. She called her daughter, who said to stay home, as no one else was going to make it, so we went back to sleep.

I got up at 9.40, and went out to survey the damage. We got 8" or so here, with drifts well over a foot. Mine, mostly, as I did some cleanup in the driveway and on the street in front of my car. Dragonet called her mom, and it was decided we'd go up and do the family thing there on Sunday. After a lovely breakfast of scrach-made waffles and bacon, we did our minimalist gift exchange and have been hanging around here trying to get warm all day. The lack of heat on the upper floors has become somewhat more severe due to the lowered temperatures here. Tomorrow it's dim sum!

And in honor of the birth of Ireland's greatest singer, songwriter and refugee from dental justice, three songs: the obvious MacGowanmas classic, and two of my favorite Pogues songs of all.

Thanks and praises
Thanks to Jesus
I bet on the Bottle of Smoke
I went to hell
And to the races
To bet on the Bottle of Smoke

The day being clear
The sky being bright
He came up on the left
Like a streak of light
Like a drunken fuck
On a Saturday night
Up came the Bottle of Smoke

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called
the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

Stewards inquiries
Swift and fiery
I had the Bottle of Smoke
Inquisitions and suppositions
I had the Bottle of Smoke

Fuck the stewards
A trip to Lourdes
Might give the old fuckers
The power of sight
Screaming springers and stoppers
And call out coppers
But the money still gleams in my hand like a light

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called
the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

Bookies cursing
Cars reversing
I had the Bottle of Smoke
Glasses steaming
Vessels bursting
I had the Bottle of Smoke

Slip a fifty to the wife
And for each brat a crisp new five
To give me a break on
a Saturday night
When I had the Bottle of Smoke

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called
the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

Priests and maidens
Drunk as pagans
They had the Bottle of Smoke
Sins forgiven and celebrations
They had the Bottle of Smoke

Fuck the Yanks
And drink their wives
The moon is clear
The sky is bright
I'm happy as the horses shite
Up came the Bottle of Smoke

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called
the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

Thanks and praises
Thanks to Jesus
I bet on the Bottle of Smoke
I went to hell
And to the races
To bet on the Bottle of Smoke

The day being clear
The sky being bright
He came up on the left
Like a streak of light
Like a drunken fuck
On a Saturday night
Up came the Bottle of Smoke

Twenty fucking five to one
Me gambling days are done
I bet on a horse called
the Bottle of Smoke
And my horse won

So a happy Krimble to all, and to all a good night.

(edited to spell MacGowan correctly. I need more whisky)

Oh What Fun

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 06:25:11 GMT

After slightly less than half a day at work, where the big fun was hooking up my new monitor (a nice 19" Dell flatscreen, to replace the ancient CRT that died on Tuesday), I fueled my car, did some last-minute shopping and came home so we could get ready to go to Lawrence to see my mom and her husband, Marlin, as is our tradition. I had checked the weather repeatedly before we left, and promised Rohanna we would make it back tonight no matter what it took, so she could go to her family gathering Xmas morning. The trip up was not an issue, with a small amount of snow on the highway, and somewhat more in Lawrence. After a stop to fill a couple of growlers at the Free State, we went on to Dragonet's sister's shop, Brits, and stocked up on various foodstuffs. I also caused Rohanna great pain when I showed her the dvd set (#2 of 2) of the old Robin of Sherwood BBC series on the rack there. After a quick run through Au Marché next door (where I picked up a Mo's Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar, report to come), we went back out into the rising wind and headed across town to my mom's house. The roads were snowy, but not slick at all, so I wasn't concerned about the weather.

Ww had a fine time at mom's, with snacks and hot buttered rum while waiting for Dragonet's sister Sally to close the shop and join us. She got there about six, and we had a fine time chatting about life and such, all the while with the Weather Channel muted on the tv. As the scenes of blizzardy goodness kept coming across the screen, alternating with the radar pics on the 8s, Rohanna got more and more concerned about the trip back. I kept telling her it would be fine.

After a lovely meal of beef bourguignon*, wild rice, rolls and Waldorf salad**, we had a brief exchange of gifts and then, at 9p, I went out and fired up the van and let it run for several minutes to warm up. It was brutally cold out (ok, not -23˚, but in the low teens with a 0˚ or so wind chill), and while several inches of snow had fallen, the brisk northern breeze had whipped the dry flakes into dunes and drifts much deeper. We pulled out onto the steep street and began the journey home. I had brought along a mix cd I call "Play Fucking Loud," and I put it in to provide accompaniment. We headed back through downtown and across the bridge over the River Kaw to the turnpike entrance. I had to stop and clean the ice buildup off the windshield wipers, which had gotten thick enough the blades were no longer touching the glass. We made it to the highway, which was in pretty decent shape. It had been treated early on with salt spray, and then plowed at least once. But the ice was building up again, and I stopped at the service area not far from Lawrence and got a scraper. Once I cleared the windshield and blades and we turned up the defroster to earbleed, I was able to see fairly well the rest of the way back, albeit occasionally by hunching down to look through a lower spot when a brief buildup would occur. It took almost an hour and a half, as opposed to the usual 40 minutes, but I got us home safe and sound. Yay me, I is a bearcat.

I am now sipping some of Free State's Santa's Helper winter ale, and waiting for the vicodin to kick in to deal with the kinks in my neck and shoulders. Depending on how much snow we get overnight, Dragonet and I will be heading back to Lawrence to her mom's around noon tomorrow. Hush, you muskies!

*At one point, Rohanna looked at me and said, "You ate mushrooms!" in the bourguignon, and I told her no, I worked around them, which was easy, since they were large and obvious. My mother was amazed that I didn't eat mushrooms, and Marlin professed shock that she knew so little about her oldest child. She noted that when fresh mushrooms first became readily available at the grocery store, and she and my sister would regularly chow down on them, I had already moved out of the house.

**I really like my mom's Waldorf salad, and hadn't had it in years and years. I served myself up a portion, and noticed some tiny red things in the mix. "Did you put cranberries in this?" I asked, before quickly correcting myself and noting they were pomegranates. Mom expressed surprised I liked them (it was a dinner full of learning experiences), and noted that when I was living at home, pomegranates weren't any more available in the store than fresh mushrooms were thirty-plus years ago.

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 00:00:30 GMT

It was cold. No, Cold. No, I mean COLD. Colder than most of you have ever experienced. The official low on Dec. 23, 1989 in Kansas City was -23˚F. Dragonet and I went out in our station wagon (a trade up from the demon Nova, believe me) to run some errands and prep for the trip out to her folks's farm outside of Wellsville for Christmas. On the way home, I noticed the brakes were a little soft. After unloading the car, I put the laundry in the back and was going to run to the laundromat to take care of that bit of business. I detoured to the Western Auto (remember them?) to get some brake fluid, which I figured I would put in the car when I got to the Suds & Duds (laundry and beer, a great concept), and headed that way.

As I got to 79th & State Line, the light turned yellow, and I hit the brake pedal, which proceeded to sink straight to the floor, with no discernable effect on the car's rate of speed. I pumped the pedal a couple of times, with the same result, and as the light changed I cruised through the intersection honking and waving like I was in a parade. At this point, a variety of thoughts went through my head. Unfortunately, the word "neutral" did not appear in any of them, and I continued to cruise up the hill towards 75th Street, which had a car in each lane waiting for the red light to change. So I jerked the car into the Sinclair station on the corner, with the door open and dragging my foot to try to slow down (yeah, about as effective as you might think). I was presented with two options at that point: a pay phone (remember them?) with two concrete-filled posts in front of it, or a big pile of snow. I chose the snow, and the car flew up the drift and came to a stop long enough for me to slam it into park and turn it off. As I sat there hyperventilating, the pump jockey came over and said "Wow, that was impressive. You OK?"

Once I could breathe normally again, I walked across the street to the Phillips station that was our regular place for vehicle maintenance. The mechanics (remember them?) were taking a lunch break, and when I came in said, "Brakes, right? Nice work." I inquired about a tow, and they said if I called for one, it would be 3 days given the demand, but there would be one coming in soon with another disabled vehicle, and they would have them get the car and bring it over then. When the next tow truck came in, it had a Range Rover on its hook, much to the amusement of the mechanics. Once the wagon had been brought over, I got the laundry back out and walked the block and a half home to let Dragonet know we had no wheels for the nonce. She called her folks, who basically said too bad, see you when you have a car again. Then we called my mother, in Lawrence.

Mom had called me early in December to finalize plans, and when I asked why she was so far ahead of the curve, she told me they were going to Hawaii. "But it's OK," she said, "we're going to a conference." I informed her it was not OK, conference or no, and said several rude words. They had gotten back that morning and not realized how cold it had gotten, they just figured it felt cold because they'd been in warm climes for a week or so. When Marlin got the car out of the long-term lot, he said it drove really badly for a bit, and he realized later that the tires had frozen with flat spots where they were sitting on the pavement, and it took a bit of driving for the friction to warm them enough to return to round. Marlin was kind enough to drive to Kansas City on Christmas Day and pick us up and take us back to Lawrence for Christmas, then take us home.

So tomorrow afternoon we will head up to Lawrence again, to spend Christmas Eve with Mom and Marlin. Then back on Christmas Day to Dragonet's mom's, and the horde of relatives, though the snow that's being predicted might keep some of them from travelling. We probably will be blessed with the Four Great-Nephews of the Apocalypse (War, Famine, Pestilence and Seth).

But unless you live in Winnipeg or Antarctica or darkest Maine, I think I got yer low temperature beat.

"We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyarlathotep Academy"

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:35:46 GMT

Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added To Curriculum.

Via Brad DeLong, of the Hermetic Order of the Shrill.

What the hell (and what hair?)

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:48:55 GMT

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Wednesday I didn't flush (-1 points). In August I pulled kivasfajo's hair (-5 points). Last Saturday I bought porn for theresamather (10 points). Last Tuesday I signed my organ donor card (28 points). In November I gave qcjeph a kidney (1000 points).

Overall, I've been nice (1032 points). For Christmas I deserve a pony!

Sincerely,
drpaisley

Friday "I Noticed I Was Late" Random 10+

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 04:21:58 GMT

The alarm didn't go off at 7, and though I only slept for another 10 minutes, I was running behind this morning, so the songs got listened to, I just didn't have time to post them. Anyway, here ya go:

1) The Sun Is Shining Down, JJ Grey & Mofro

2) Shakin' All Over, The Jet Black Berries

3) J.R., New World

4) Devil In Her Heart (Live On The BBC), The Beatles

5) Oviedo, Blind Pilot

6) Black Steel (Public Enemy), Tricky

7) evil side, michal lotan

8) Suspect Device, Stiff Little Fingers

9) Trust, The Pretty Things

10) I'm the Man, General Caine

And the ever-popular more:

11) Halazium, ZeniX

12) Whispering, The Majestic Twelve

13) Cancel The Day, The Easy Tigers

The business survived the first week without Chuckles, and even got a bunch of stuff done, in particular work for Ha//m@rk for their big trade show display of next year's stuff. At last, they have made something I want: a plush Adam, aka Frankenstein's monster*, wearing a paisley vest. But there could be more fun: apparently, some muckey-muck looked at the products we had run, and said "I thought these colors were going to be more pastel," and, when told that it had been decided to go with brighter colors for the backgrounds, announced that he wanted pastels and they'd have to be run again. Of course, Ha//m@rk is desperately trying not to have to pay for their error, and I have no illusions that our douche canoe of a sales dweeb won't screw this up somehow and wind up costing us money, because that's how he rolls.

He also rolls like this: at 3p, the boss stomped out, saying Herb (not his real name, but he does remind me of Mr. Tarleck, though without the clothing sense) was on his way back and I should check the email on the off chance something came in. Herb walked in a few minutes later, and immediately ensconced himself on the only available computer with teh intarwebs. I wandered back a couple of times and had him check the email, and he was putzing around on Craigslist as he often does when the boss is gone. At 4.30, however, when I walked back to have him check one last tiem, he was looking at a page of pr0n links, with no attempt to hide it, or even the grace to be embarrassed. I guess now that Chuckles is gone, and no one else is back there, he'll be cruising away.

Now, the boss is very anal (not a euphemism, insofar as I know) about the web use at work, and has been known to monitor the activity from home. So I am mentioning this both as an amusing anecdote, and to document the situation should any questions arise. I have no plans on bringing it to the boss's attention, but if he asks me about it, I will tell him exactly what happened. And probably use the bottle of hand sanitizer more often when Herb's been on the computer.

Tomorrow is the monthly KanPoly meetup at Wheat State Pizza at 23rd & Louisiana in Lawrence, and the KaCSFFS Xmas party in the evening at the Writers Place in Kansas City. Both are open to the public, so drop by if you get the chance. Sunday we will go to the Film Cadets outing to Avatar, since the Chefs game is blacked out due to some kind of mercy rule, I think.

A conversation just now

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:42:09 GMT

Dragonet: "Ace of Cakes" is making a Dalek cake!

Moi: Oh, Christ . . .

D: And it's got lights! And movement!

M: Does it talk?

D: It might*.

M: Can it climb stairs?

D: No.

M: Then it's a real Dalek! Run for your life!

D: It's a cake!

M: The cake is a lie! It's a Dalek!

Good times.

Bonus: One of the women on the show just referred to Tom Brady as "a cutie-patootie," which was a phrase I thought only I used. Interesting.

*As I was typing this, the crew on the show was discussing the need for a voice chip for the Dalek cake, so it could say "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

News

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:59:50 GMT

First, the good news: Joe Haldeman is named SFWA Grandmaster.

In other news, Tulsa, Oklahoma's most famous professional liar and fleecer of widows, orphans and the generally gullible, Oral Roberts, has died, some 25 years after he held himself hostage and demanded $8 million to keep God from killing him. The cash was not forthcoming, but Roberts was later found dumped by the side of the road in Sapulpa, none the worse for his hostage experience, save for an inability to properly judge the height of his kidnappers.

I was making buttons back then, and the "I Helped Oral Robert$ Die!" button was my best-seller, by far. I kept making a bunch, and they would immediately sell out. I was unable to keep the stock up enough to mail a batch to Bob Hise, who was living in Tulsa at the time, alas.

Bob did take Dragonet and I on a tour of the ORU campus, aka Six Flags Over Jesus, after OKon one year. It looked like someone had taken a bunch of architects, pumped them full of acid and locked them in separate rooms with some drafting paper and told them to draw a building. It's just a bizarre mix of styles and designs.

Oral is survived by his brother, Anal (thank you, Joe Bob Briggs). One less scumbag preying on the desperate. So many still around, alas.

The Struggle Continues

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 20:47:21 GMT

I confused everyone by showing up at work today long enough to grab the Tiger disk and come back to work on Dragonet's dead borrowed laptop. When I ran disk utility, it gave me a message of "Invalid* Sibling Link," which I then googled. Desperate as I was, I delved ino the madness of Terminal, and tried some of the suggestions I found on various Mac fora. Alas, they did not work.

Fireguarder (who has friends in a tech dept.), has offered to take the recalcitrant laptop in to see if they can ressurrect it, or at least get the data off the hard drive. We shall see what transpires. If anyone out there has other suggestions based on this info that I might be able to try, feel free to let me know.

* "Invalid" as in "not the thing we were looking for," as opposed to "so ill as to be bedridden," in case anyone was wondering. Though I suppose the whole phrase could be used on one of those "Who's the Daddy?" episodes of "Maury."

Scenes from a weekend

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 04:50:10 GMT

Got up Saturday and went shopping for Xmas gifts. Managed to get everything I wanted in one stop, then did some more running around. Found Neil Gaiman's "Odd and the Frost Giant" 50% off at Barnes & Noble, and after my card and the 25% off coupon, it was $5. And picked up some beer at the Kansas Lukas Liquor. The rest of the day and evening were uneventful, and I got to bed at a reasonable hour.

Woke up at 7a with Yum! staring at me, so I turned on her favorite song* and went back to sleep for a bit. Rohanna and I went to watch the Chefs try and win a game against a team almost as bad as they are, the Buffalo Bills. We got to the stadium without encountering the usual traffic backup (not a good sign), and were happy the tickets had come with a parking pass, as they wanted $22 to get in the lot (>3x the price for the Royals [and yes, the Royals have 10x more games, but Arrowhead holds 2x+ people than Kauffman Stadium]). We made our way to a lot, and were waved through to park up front thanks to Ro's handicapped hangtag. This involved inching our way down the lane at the edge of the lot, occasionally honking to get the folks wandering (and//or staggering) in front of us to move to one side or the other, which they did with no problem, until right before the front row. A couple was ambling along in front of us, and when I tapped the horn, she looked over her shoulder and stepped to the left (where the sidewalk was), but her obviously and oblibiously inebriated companion moved into the middle of the lane, so I stopped, to avoid hitting him, and and tapped the horn again. He turned around and proceeded to lean on the hood of the van and shake his finger "no" at me. I waved at him to move, and he staggered to my window (which was partially open), shouting "Do you know who I am" and trying to reach inside. I said "I don't care," and closed the window, nearly catching his finger, and drove on, at which point he threw his (fortunately plastic) beer bottle at me. I decided to keep on moving, in part because I saw security heading toward him.

The game was pretty good, and the renovations to the stadium were very nice. The highlight was halftime, which featured a group of kids (ages 8-17) from local dance academies. They performed to a Michael Jackson medley, and the featured dancer was a very young boy who had all the moves down. At one point I leaned over to Rohanna and said, "So, do you think when this is over he goes home and abuses himself?" She told me I was evil, but before she could say anything else the kid proceeded to do a classic MJ crotch grab, and she just sighed and said, "Yeah, he probablly dooes."

We left at the end of the third quarter too go to Deb Pelicano's Holiday Art Sale, which was a good time. Was hoping for a nice quiet evening at home, but I am now trying to get Dragonet's borrowed Powerbook to boot up. It's running some kind of diagnostic thing from a safe boot. I will probably have to go in to work tomorrow and get the Tiger boot disk to try running disk utility on it. We really, really don't need this shit. Sigh.

*"Marais La Nuit," from Neko Case's latest album, Middle Cyclone. I's 30+ minutes of tree frogs and crickets, and is very calming. I burned a cd with it on there twice for Ro, and she turns it on when she goes to bed. We have each awakened more than once to see Yum! staring at the clock/cd player, waiting for someone to turn the music back on, and when one of us does, she looks at the clock for a few seconds, then curls up and goes to sleep. Very cute.

Friday "Were Does the Time Go?" Random 10+

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 03:06:42 GMT

Got busy this morning and didn't have time to post. Music.

1) Bottle And Rusty Blade, Pinebox Serenade

2) Santa God, Pearl Jam

3) Hang Them All, Tapes 'n Tapes

4) Leslie Anne Levine, The Decemberists

5) Friday Night, August 14th, Funkadelic

6) It Aint Me Babe, Turtles

7) Stranger In The House, Elvis Costello

8) The Anyway Song, Lullaby Baxter Trio

9) Mr. Webster (Mono Master), The Monkees

10) My Car, Atlas Sound

and the overage

11) Anarchitect, Susu

12) Vocal Interlude, World Party

13) Proper Ding [Eric Prydz vs. Pink Floyd vs. Seeed], DJ Morgoth

And now, for something comepletely different:

And because it's a tradition:

On the work front, Chuckles, the semi-literate, moderately-inbred Army vet had used her DeVry degree and who knows what else to get a job with the V.A. One hopes whatever she's coding for has nothing to do with patient care, or else her consistent inability to tell numbers from letters might cause some issues (you think I'm kidding. Oh, Ghu, how I wish I was kidding). She came in today and told the boss she was leaving. He was still in the "shock" phase, no telling what happens when he gets to "anger." Presumably, he won't fold the place right away, but who knows?

The boss gave me tickets to the Chefs game Sunday, vs. the Buffalitos (hi, Lawrence!). Ro and I will be going, but might not stay until the end. We shall see. And, in feetsball related news, Baconcats were less than cromulent in defending their championship, finishing the season 6-7 and out of the playoffs. Now I need a new name for next year.

Home again

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 06:47:30 GMT

Got back here about 8p local time from the 1500 mile round trip to Austin for SMOFcon. I have been catching up on LJ, the news, email and such, and shall endeavour to post tomorrow about the trip and the con and such divertissments as chatting with a Greenpeace proseltyzer, an amazingly expensive paisely shirt, the flagship Whole Paycheck store and the coolest car I've ever seen, not to mention lotsa barbecue.

Maybe soon I'll be tired enough to go to sleep.

Black Friday "How Much Does It Cost? I'll Buy It" Random 10+

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:41:46 GMT

Spent a quiet Thankgiving in Lawrence with Dragonet's mother and sister and way too much good food. While the rest of you are busily stimulating the ecomedy, I have to work, because my boss is a massive douche canoe. And now, some music to get me going.

1) mad boy, Moving sand

2) Powderfinger, Rusted Root (2005-11-26 - The Golden Ballroom)

3) Hello Hello (take 1), The Beatles

4) the book of love, the harvey girls

5) Pony Time, Chubby Checker

6) Seasons Don't Fear The Year, Citay

7) Open Doors, Kira Neris

8) Taxman, The Beatles (Ebbets Mono)

9) Alone Again Or, Gobblehoot

10) Bone Machine, Pixies

And one more helping (it's waffer thin!):

11) Wow (CSS Remix), Kylie Minogue

12) Safety Dance (Original Club Mix), Men Without Hats

13) What Is Life, George Harrison

This weekend's activities include finishing cleaning out the storage unit (one less expense), a housewarming party at NPulsifer and Gisele's new place (tukey will be brined tonight, smoked tomorrow) and the memorial service for John Taylor Sunday. And getting things sorted out for packking for Smofcon. No whist for the wrecked, as usual.

For That Special Time, and that Special Vampire

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 04:59:25 GMT

Via the Bloggess:

"And it glitters."

"They'll Think They're Both Faggots and They Won't Take Either One of 'Em"

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 03:22:48 GMT

This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the
restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant,
that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's
Restaurant.

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on
Thanksgiving, when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the
restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the
church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and
Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of
room downstairs where the pews used to be in. Havin' all that room,
seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't
have to take out their garbage for a long time.

We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be
a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So
we took the half a ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW
microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed
on toward the city dump.

Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across across the
dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump
closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off
into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.

We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the
side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the
cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile
is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we
decided to throw our's down.

That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a thanksgiving
dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the
next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. He said, "Kid,
we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of
garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And
I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope
under that garbage."

After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we
finally arrived at the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down
and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the
police officer's station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the
shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the
police officer's station.

Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at
the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for
being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and
we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out
and told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again,
which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station
there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was
both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I
can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid.
Get in the back of the patrol car."

And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the
quote Scene of the Crime unquote. I want tell you about the town of
Stockbridge, Massachusets, where this happened here, they got three stop
signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the
Scene of the Crime there was five police officers and three police cars,
being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to
get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of
cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officer's station.
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and
they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each
one was to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach,
the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to
mention the aerial photography.

After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put
us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your
wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my
wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you
want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I
said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the
toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took
out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars roll out the - roll the
toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie
was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice
(remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few
nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back
to the church, had a another thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat,
and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.

We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back
of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up,
and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures, and the judge walked in sat down with a seeing eye dog, and he
sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the
twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles and arrows
and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog.
And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with circles
and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry,
'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American
blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the
judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy
pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each
one explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us. And
we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but thats not
what I came to tell you about.

Came to talk about the draft.

They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street,
where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected,
neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one
day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so
I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. `Cause I wanted to
look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted
to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all American kid from New York,
and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all
kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I walked in and sat down and they gave
me a piece of paper, said, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604."

And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I
wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and
guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill,
KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and
he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down
yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sargent came over, pinned a medal on me,
sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

Didn't feel too good about it.

Proceeded on down the hall gettin more injections, inspections,
detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four
hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean nasty
ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was
inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no
part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the
last man, I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there,
and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got
one question. Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacre,
with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and all
the phenome... - and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever
go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty seven eight-by-ten
colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on
the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want
you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W .... NOW kid!!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's
where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after
committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly
looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father
rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And
they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the
bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest
father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly
'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me
and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay
$50 and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench
there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I
said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand,
and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing,
father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the
bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of
things, until the Sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it
up and said.

"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-
know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-
you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-
officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say", and talked for
forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had
fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there,
and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, and wrote it
down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the
pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the
other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on
the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the
following words:

("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")

I went over to the sargent, said, "Sargeant, you got a lot a damn gall to
ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm
sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin here on the Group W bench
'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army, burn women,
kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and
said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints
off to Washington."

And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a
study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm
singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar
situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if your in a
situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into
the shrink wherever you are ,just walk in say "Shrink, You can get
anything you want, at Alice's restaurant.". And walk out. You know, if
one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and
they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony,
they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them.
And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in
singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an
organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day,I said
fifty people a day walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and
walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement.

And that's what it is , the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and
all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the
guitar.

With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and
sing it when it does. Here it comes.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud.
I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it
for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.

So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part
harmony and feeling.

We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.

All right now.

You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Except Alice

Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant

Hope everyone had a fun, filling and safe day today. Enjoy the long weekend, you lucky bastards; I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Friday "Jimmy I Know That You Want It"* Random 10+

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:44:48 GMT

Having swapped days off this week, I have begun a four-day weekend to coincide with our local adult relaxacon, ConTraception. Later than usual this year, but never needed more. And now, on wiith the tunes!

1) He Fiddled While I Burned, Charline Arthur

2) The Future, Leonard Cohen

3) Cold, The Cure, Palais Theatre, Melbourne, Australia

4) Converging In The Quiet, Crystal Stilts

5) zmudowski, dp

6) Mr Soul, Neil Young & Crazy Horse, 10/22/86 Fox Theater, St. Louis Soundboard

7) Wednesday's Child, Emiliana Torrini

8) Message To Harry Manback, Tool

9) James Connolly, Black 47

10) Working Class Hero, Marianne Faithfull

Angelina-approved bonus tracks (she's sitting on my lap as I type, so she must like them):

11) Join Me In L.A., Warren Zevon

12) Sea Change, Jeff Parker

13) Ode To The Prostitute, The Bastard Fairies

Final packing left to do, then off to ConTraception. It will be good to see people again. This lack of con activity is getting to be a real pain.

*Quote from song 13, really.

Fascinating Experiment (with stories!)

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:04:48 GMT

This is a very cool idea, indeed. Buy objects at thrift stores, have an author writer a short-short story about one of the object, post item to EBay with story as description. Read the post. Final item is "Jonathan Lethem vs. The Missouri Shotglass." Alas, already out of my price range. The list of authors takes you to the individual stories.

Ganked from Crooked Timber, which also has an interesting post about fonts. No, really!

Friday "How Soon Is Now?" Random 10+

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:58:38 GMT

I woe up about 30 minutes ago as I type, raised myself up enough to look at the clock on the other side of the bed, which read 6:47, and flopped back down, secure in the knowledge it was Saturday, and I could go back to sleep. Until I thought about it some more, and realized it was only Friday. Damn. A bagel from Verminusrex and a can of Monster later, and it's music time.

1) eine Handvoll Nitro, The Vampires of Dartmoore

2) Too Drunk To Fuck, Nouvelle Vague

3) Secret Journey, Lucy Kaplansky

4) Across 110th Street (Part 2), Bobby Womack

5) My Love Grows Deeper Part 1, Nelly Furtado

6) Get a Haircut, Dad; Austin Lounge Lizards

7) Sexybacklism, ToToM

8) Uplock The Poprock, Aqua Luminus III

9) The Groom's Still Waiting At The Altar, Bob Dylan

10) Burned, Neil Young (and happy birthday to Neil, a day late)

Too much is not enough, so:

11) The Boy Done Wrong Again, Belle & Sebastian

12) Moments In Love, The Art Of Noise

13) Also Sprach Schmilsson Schmixon, Harry Nilsson

The last entry is a unique item, a mashup created by Harry Nilsson of Count Down's abdication and the resignation of Richard Nixon.

Apropos of nothing, this is just sick, bad and wrong Keyboard and monitor protection recommended.

This is the third and last Friday the 13th of the year, which is the most any year can have. Next year there will be only one, in August. Enjoy it, triskadecaphiles! I'm looking forward to a weekend with no agenda, other than some grocery shopping and early preparation for ConTraception 21. Hope to see some of my tens of readers there.

"I Was Born Like This, I Had No Choice . . ."

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:03:14 GMT

Last night Rohanna, Dragonet and I had the privilege of seeing a live performance by one of the greatest songwriters of the modern age, Leonard Cohen. Cohen has been touring on and off for over a year now, largely due to his manager having embezzled most of Cohen's earnings. Cohen started out touring in Europe, then covered much of North America, having gotten as close as Denver earlier this year. I had given up all hope of seeing him, assuming he had finished his tour and was resuming his retirement. When I saw the ad for his show here, I was shocked. When we got the tickets, I was even more stunned.

Last night I dropped the ladies off at the Midland, then found a parking place nearby (I had no interest in paying the $10 "event parking" charges for the Power & Light District). Walking back to the theater, I finally allowed myself to believe I was actually going to be seeing this show.

I hadn't been in the Midland since sometime in the '80s, and not since the renovation completed a year or so ago. I was pleased to find that AMC had left the beautiful art deco stylings of the 18927 building intact, and restored the venue to its prime.

At 8p sharp (just like it said on the ticket), nine-piece band came onstage. And then The Man himself, 75--year-old Leonard Cohen, came sprinting to his microphone, dressed in a sharp black suit and fedora. When the first of numerous standing ovations finished, he launched into "Dance Me to the End of Love," and the room became perfectly still. The set list was much the same as the "Live in London" cd/dvd currently available, featuring a mix of classic songs from Cohen's lengthy career. Though he is a little thinner in the higher ranges, that "gift of a golden voice" is still a powerful instrument, and was more than up to the 3.5 hour, four encore show. Early on, he told the audience "I don't know when we'll pass this way again, but for tonight, we're going to give you everything we've got," and he and the band proceeded to do just that.

Without a doubt, this was one of the best concerts I have attended. A once in a lifetime opportunity, ad a dream fulfilled.

On Teh Road Again

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:04:34 GMT

The announcement is here! Rohanna and I will be attending SmofCon in Austin, Dec. 4-6, thanks to the good offices of NPulsifer. Looking forward to dining at Stubbs and otherwise checking out the island of sanity in the midst of Texas. Hoping to see lots of my tens of readers there.

Jon Stewart FTW

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 04:20:23 GMT

Out Becking Glenn Beck. Prepare to guffaw. Keyboard and monitor protection warning in effect.

Friday "What the Hell Am I Doing Here?" Random 10+

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:48:01 GMT

Another week gone,this one with less drama/trauma so far. I should have an announcement later today, if all goes well. Nothing earth-shattering, but it should be fun. In the meantime, some tunes.

1) Chains And Things, B.B. King

2) Stairway to Bootleg Heaven, DJ Earworm*

3) where there's a will, The Final Solution

4) agrippa's trilemma, gillicuddy

5) Shaded Water, Brian Eno

6) Carry That Weight, The Beatles

7) Girlfriend, Matthew Sweet

8) James K. Polk, TMBG

9) Oxford Comma, Vampire Weekend

10) Butterfly Radio, Avenpitch

yet more:

11) No Self Control, Peter Gabriel

12) Idiot Wind, Bob Dylan

13) Flee (to the hills), Bastardgeist

Tomorrow the smoker gets fired up again, this time for the KaCSFFS Thanksgiving meeting/dinner. Why so early, you ask? Well, the normal third Saturday is smack in the middle of ConTraception, of course! The meeting is at the Writer's Place, and here are the details:

Come feast with your KaCSFFS friends on Saturday November 7, 2009. This years Thanksgiving dinner will again be held at the Writer's Place, 3607 Pennsylvania, KCMO 64111. Starting time will be 5:30 PM for setup, dinner at 6 PM, with a short business meeting to follow.

Food assignment suggestions:
A - J Sides and Salads
K - R Drinks
S - Z Desserts

So if you're in the KC area, come on out and meet people and chow down. And going to ConTra wouldn't be a bad thing either. Saturday will be the last opportunity to get the discounted membership rate, as well. Plus smoked turkey!

*Dolly Parton - Stairway to Heaven vs. Eurythmics - This City Never Sleeps vs. Beatles - Because vs. Laurie Anderson - O Superman vs. Art Of Noise - Moments in Love vs. Beastie Boys - So Whatcha Want vs. Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield

This Is Not From the Onion, Amazingly Enough

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 03:46:09 GMT

Via Making Light.

Laptop Steering Wheel Desk.

Yep, what the label says. Read the reviews. My fave:

I am an OB-GYN and this has helped me take my practice mobile. It's the perfect height for my patients to sit on so I can examine them while I drive. I highly recommend!!!!

A big plus is it being an additional seat for your toddlers, just in case you need room for office supplies.

Stirrups needed!!!

Maybe some ridges in the plastic, we've had lots of sliders!

The partypoopers from the company include the following in the product description "For safety reasons, never use this product while driving. Easily convert your car into your personal automobile office with the Wheel Mate car desk by MobileOffice." Yeah, right.

Happy Happy Again

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:52:52 GMT

Remember, Remember the Fifth of November
With Thermite & Magnesium so hot
Throw back a Molson*
So Erik V. Olson
Will never be forgot.

Happy birthday, fella. Hope the coming year brings you much happiness.

*The only beer I could think of at this hour that rhymed.

My Brain, She Are Broke

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:32:11 GMT

The Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, performing "The Theme from 'Shaft'" at the Cambridge Folk Festival. Don't worry, that sproing sound between your ears is perfectly normal.

Now, if they'd only cover "Black Hole Sun." Hey, it worked for Steve & Eydie!